There’s a scene in the Sex & The City movie…. yes I watch Sex & The City. My guilty pleasure #47: I love trash tv.
Carrie: Let’s go down to the hotel for dinner tonight. I need to get myself out of my mexi-coma
Samantha: Awww. You made a little joke. Good for you!
and then there’s this one…
Carrie: Will I ever laugh again?
Miranda: Yes. When something is really, really funny.
One of my favorite emotions is laughter after cry-”ghter”. Craigan calls it my “cryer”. And it’s that moment right after the “cryer” is in full swing that someone says something really funny that sends me into a fit of smiles and snorts and tears that changed in an instant from sad, dreadful ones to happy, silly ones. It’s as if you had that imaginary slap from Cher that said “Snap out of it.” And so you do.
This morning I laid in bed for a good, solid, 72 minutes. And as I laid there with quiet tears that began to soak the pillow, pleading with God to comfort my sad soul, I thought about the next time I will laugh. Like really laugh. Then I realized that my music choice does nothing to pep my spirits. I’m not to the point of angry, screaming music. Give me a few days. But I was to the point of hearing children’s voices “singing”these words: we’re gonna have a good day and ain’t nobody gotta cry today cause ain’t nobody gonna die today. you can save that trouble for another day heyyy we’re gonna have a good day.
So I kicked off those wet covers, wiped my eyes. And made my self smile. Like no, really. I stood in front of the mirror and I smiled. A couple weeks ago, when I felt myself starting to “sink” again, I wrote these words on my mirror in the bathroom:
- find simplicity
- be remarkable
- color outside the lines…always
Three goals. Maybe I should wipe them all away and just have one: laugh.
So I stood there and tried to think of something funny. Like really, really funny. Each thing I thought of made me chuckle. And then shed a tear. It’s supposed to be the other way around here people. So I tried again. Until I gave up and changed the one goal to just a simple: smile.
If you’ve been following my activity on Facebook over the last few weeks you know I’ve been sucking terribly at making eggs…and this morning there were only three left. Why when I’m already down I chose to do something I already fail miserably at is beyond me. But I did it any way. Here’s how it went:
“crap.” I whispered in disappointment.
“shit.” this time I screamed it in anger. and Sasha stared at me with empathetic and begging eyes.
“hell yeah I did!” and this time. a smile. a real smile. and yes, the nerd in me shed a tear because I conquered.
and then the best part came. no really the BEST.
and those happy tears turned to sad tears. angry tears. questioning tears. and again I whispered. ”what. the…” finish that last part on your own.
I stood there. with the pan in my hand. with Sasha next to me. and a broken yoke. and my tears of disappointment.
and I started laughing. like really laughing. like I was squeaking. like I sit here, typing, and still laughing. I mean seriously my friends, is this my life, just waiting to be cracked? like a freaking egg? my life has turned into a freaking egg. a broken, runny yoke. and so it was all I could do but laugh. and feel that emotion–one of my favorite emotions overtake me.
It’s like I heard this voice saying:
“Aww. You succeeded at cracking an egg!”
“Aww. You ‘cracked’ a little joke at yourself.”
and then the, “see. now that was really, really funny.”
I mean seriously.
my life: am I going to try once? and fail? so try again? and fail, again? only to try and find a little hope? to fail AGAIN? my life is like a freakin’ egg. fragile. and broken. but I’m trying, and laughing. because the truth is, it’s all I can do to accompany the thoughts of failure with determination. and quite frankly, life is going to be a lot better if I’m laughing.